2050: What will life be like?

Some see a dystopian world on fire. Not me. A sneak peek at the future ... and some bold predictions.

A couple of weeks ago, Quoth the Maven looked back at the “Hard Times” of 1923. Today … a sneak peek at the future — the Year of our Lord 2050. I’ll be 95 that year. I kinda hope to see it.

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Four years ago, freshman Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) revealed an apocalyptic vision that the world would end within 12 years if carbon emissions weren’t eliminated … pronto.

The End of Days verdict was a bit — extreme — but not totally without covenant. Conventional science has been tracking climate trends for decades and agrees Mother Nature is getting pretty surly.

However, the young siren followed her prophesy by submitting to Congress the Green New Deal, an impossibly clumsy policy document filled with fantasy and flapdoodle.** Shortly afterward, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez’s chief of staff Saikat Chakrabarti, the real author, admitted the true motivation behind the Green New Deal was to overhaul the “entire economy.” Climate change, he said, was an afterthought.

Oh, well. “The best-laid plans of Mice and Men …”

But who knows? She/her may be right. The Doomsday Clock is ticking after all, and we’re currently at 90 seconds to midnight. We’ll see in 2031.

** The GND called for retrofitting every building in the U.S. for renewable energy. There are 142 million housing units alone.

The End?

Extinction events have been predicted thousands of times since John of Patmos wrote to the Seven Churches about the upcoming scrap between Good and Evil at Mount Megiddo. Most religions have apocalyptic revelations, just with different cast members and plot twists.

However, all agree “Winter is Coming.”

Climate change is the current betting favorite at 2:1 odds. Catastrophic earthquakes … supermassive volcanoes … coronal solar ejections … renegade asteroids … supernovae explosions … Artificial Intelligence … deadly viruses … and global thermonuclear war are the top contenders to cast us out and join the other 99.9 percent of bygone species that have ever occupied this pretty blue planet.

I have hope, however. I’m more bullish on the future. At least to 2050.

It’ll be a bumpy trip. There will be a few existential potholes along the way. But in the end we’re going to make it after all.

What will 2050 look like

Well, there’s a lot of guesswork and speculation.

Cities may lay in decay, like the smoldering ruins of Los Angeles in Ridley Scott’s 1982 dystopian film Bladerunner. (Come to think of it, LA already looks like that). Or exist as Orwell’s hyper-surveillant Oceana.

Perhaps Charlton Heston will discover Lady Liberty buried in the sand by those damned dirty apes.

Or it could look like The Jetsons. Maybe something in between.

Here’s a sneak peek at what 2050 may look like …

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Technology

Nanotechnology

Rocket Man and head “Twit” Elon Musk recently received approval from the Food and Drug Administration to conduct clinical trials for his Neurolink brain bot technology.

Neuralink hopes to use implanted microchips to treat medical conditions such as paralysis and blindness. The chips — which have been tested in monkeys — are designed to interpret brain signals and relay information to diagnostic devices via Bluetooth.

Nanobot

Gee, therapeutic brain termites …. what could go wrong?

Neurolink is one of many teeny-tech developers. “Nanobots” will merge mind and computer as one, providing touchless access to unlimited information. No need for limb attachments such as iPhones and tablets anymore … just dream a little dream and you’ll solve that Wordle in nanoseconds.

Quantum Computing

Quantum computing is coming. IBM, Google and other tech titans are already working on moving quantum processing out of the lab and into commercial use. When they do, they’ll make today’s CPU look like an Abacus.

IBM’s quantum computing prototype

Quantum computing is a multidisciplinary field comprising aspects of computer science, physics, and mathematics that utilize quantum mechanics to solve the unsolvable.

What is quantum mechanics? Don’t ask. Meet the Qubit.

How powerful is its potential? Apparently, the most secure cybersecurity systems stand the same chance against quantum computing as tissue paper does at stopping a Tomahawk missile.

Think your data is safe? Think again.

Metaverse

Imagine walking among the ruins of Machu Picchu or scanning the majestic panoramas of Santorini without ever leaving your living room. That’s what “Metaverse” promises.

Meta calls its virtual dreamscape “a place where people can exist in digital forms, similar to how we already exist as physical beings in our own world … it will affect the way we think, work, live, communicate and travel.”

Just slip on a pair of squid-sized goggles and you’ll be doing the Samba with Brazilian beauties on the Copa Cabana.

But be careful — nobody likes Metasand in their shorts.

Population: Not what you think

Birthrates

Just a few short years ago skittish anthropologists and demographers were wringing their hands over overpopulation and global famine.

Since then, humanity has made a turnabout in terms of unborn souls. The world’s population recently reached 8 billion; many researchers say it will not approach 9 billion. The drop in fertility rates among developed nations is daunting.

Notice the decline is nothing new. It has been going on for decades in almost every developed country.

Economy

Why is this a problem? Won’t it help reduce the global carbon footprint?

That’s not the issue. Fewer babies is not good. Fewer babies now means even fewer babies in the future. Low birth rates, researchers explain, will result in aging populations, smaller global workforces, slower economic growth, fewer taxpayers and higher required tax rates for pay-as-you-go programs such as Social Security.

As one of those aging Boomers needing support, I must protest. Vehemently. Young people — make babies!

Lifestyle

Artificial Intelligence will have eliminated a large segment of the U.S. workforce, so many will spend their waking hours finding innovative new ways of doing nothing. Holograms are cool, especially nostalgic images of Michael Jackson and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Hollywood filmmakers will have created optical effects whereby viewers can virtually insert themselves into the plot, and not just in bit parts or as extras. Imagine fighting alongside Keanu Reeves in eviscerating 2,649 Russian mobsters in John Wick 42.

In 2050, entertainment will not be constrained by a screen. Virtual gamers will play World War III: Annihilation in their minds — players will simply visualize blowing each other to smithereens while sitting on the toilet.

Climate

In 2023, a consensus (97 percent) of climatologists proclaimed the climate crisis as an existential threat.

A sense of urgency is gaining momentum. The UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) says that global warming is accelerating and will reach 1.C above pre-Industrial levels around 2030 — a full decade earlier than previously forecast. They predict everything from Biblical floods to desertification of the tropics and grasslands.

Then again, they said the same thing in 1989. And many times before. Climate scientists base claims on data and predictive models, and those models always change over time.

The fact is, we don’t know. The scientific method is and has always been based on what we don’t know. But actions such as banning gas stoves in California and wood fire ovens in New York ain’t gonna make a difference (and will piss off every sous chef and pizza lover from coast-to-coast).

Besides, do you think Xi Jinping, India and much of the Middle East, South America and Africa give two shits about pizza and cow farts — or the Green New Deal for that matter — when their very existence depends on burning coal, wood and animal poop?

My Crystal Ball

Bold Predictions for 2050 …

• Though he’s long gone (died in prison), Donald J. Trump continues to protest about imaginary stolen elections from his Mar-a-Lago grave. Thirty percent of Republicans agree and vote for him as a write-in candidate.

• March 15, 2050: Trump is indicted posthumously for felony jaywalking by New York prosecutors. Cable news covers Trump’s exhumation live. Medical examiners find an orange wig and dozens of Top Secret documents in the casket. His remains are transported to federal court in Manhattan for arraignment.

• May 2, 2050: The 20th season of the television series “Canceled!” premiers on Netflix. Septuagenarian J.K. Rowling returns as host.

• Taylor Swift performs her new breakup hit “Your Grandpa Is a Low-Down Dirty Mother-*^&$@ing Cheater” at the American Music Awards.

• Madame Tussauds of New York unveils its wax effigy of 46th President Joe Biden. Nobody can tell the difference.

  

• As the trajectory of LGBTQ+ proclamations continues to double with each decade, there will be no binary people born in 2050. As it happens, one baby is born in January … identified as a boy. The birthing person is a transgender woman. The baby’s hospital ID: “She/Her/They/We’ll let you know.”

• Keith Richards releases a new solo album: Crematorium Blues.

• Calvin Klein drops its “Body Positivity” marketing strategy as the company’s last model with Adiposity-Based Chronic Disease (euphemism for fatass) drops dead after choking on a cream-filled maple bar during a photo shoot.

• Oct. 8, 2050: The National Father’s Day Council names Hunter Biden as its 108th “Father of the Year.”

• Elon Musk goes bankrupt, then homeless, and finds himself living in an abandoned Tesla in San Francisco’s Tenderloin district.

• Take me to your leader: Aliens from the planet Quagg arrive on Earth. However, after spending two days in Washington D.C., the Quaggians realize there really is no other intelligent life in the universe. Their encrypted departing message is decoded: “Fuck this!”

• June 19, 2050: The first 12-pack of “Bud Light” is sold after two decades.

  

• A group of middle-aged Gen Z hikers stumbles upon a series of century-old Cold War bomb shelters. They quickly convert the shelters into “safe spaces.”

  

• Actor and resident Hollywood nutball Joaquin Pheonix wins his 8th “Best Actor” Oscar for his role as Sam, the only sane character in United Artists’ remake of the 1963 comedy classic It’s a Mad Mad World.

• The San Francisco Chamber of Commerce celebrates Christmas by featuring its 10th Annual “Drag Show Santa” extravaganza.

• March 2, 2050: The CDC kicks off its new COVID Part 50 “Get Vaxxed” campaign at a taxpayer cost of $200 billion. Three people comply.

• July 22, 2050: Fox News accidentally tells the truth. Apologizes to viewers the next day.

• Jeffrey Epstein’s “guest list” is still a mystery.

• The Republican Party remains hopelessly stupid and the Democratic Party is still batshit crazy.

OK. I know. I’m going to Hell.

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Jim Geschke was inducted into the prestigious Marquis Who’s Who Registry in 2021.