Albert Einstein returns to Princeton

It's 2025. Einstein applies for a post with the school he made famous in the 30s and 40s. He's shocked at what happens next.

Aug 10, 2025

Imagine a disheveled Albert Einstein shuffling into the Dean of Faculty’s office at Princeton University, his wild hair a defiant middle finger to conformity.

It’s 2025, and Einstein is looking for a job. His CV is a masterpiece of intellectual audacity: E=mc² … the photoelectric effect, for which he was awarded the Nobel Prize in 1921 … and the theory of general relativity (spacetime and gravity). His published work in Annalen der Physik redefined the cosmos and the origins of the universe. He is, one could argue, the most brilliant scientist and smartest man in history.

Surely, Princeton’s venerable physics department, which he helped build into a world-class institution in the 30s and 40s, will fall over itself to rehire him.

But this is 2025. The HR algorithm, an arbiter of modern academia, flags his application before it even reaches a human.

“Insufficient diversity metrics,” it hums.

The physics department chair, Dr. Progressive Virtue, PhD in Intersectional Quantum Narratives, sips her oat milk latte and skims the report. She grimly looks around the hiring panel, whose faces are equally steadfast in their resolve.

“Einstein, huh? Let’s see what we’re working with.”

She notes right away there’s no “land acknowledgement” on the cover letter. Nor is there a rainbow flag.

“Not good.”

First, Dr. Virtue notes that Einstein is Jewish. This is a gigantic red flag. In 2025, identity politics has turned into a hierarchy of oppression points. Being Jewish is not good. Historically, he is an oppressor. And a colonizer.

He’s also sketchy on the meaning of “globalizing the intifada” and “from the river to the sea.” Princeton, like other Ivy League schools, holds a dim view of Semites.

Dr. Virtue furrows her brow. “We’re prioritizing underrepresented minorities this cycle,” she murmurs, checking the diversity dashboard. “Jewish candidates don’t score high enough on the marginalization index.”

Never mind that Einstein fled Nazi Germany. The algorithm doesn’t care about 1933. It’s 2025, and historical context is irrelevant when you’ve got quotas to fill.

“Maybe if he identified as Sephardic and leaned into a narrative of intergenerational trauma,” muses Dr. Virtue, “but Ashkenazi? Too establishment.”

Strike one.

Einstein the White Man

In the fiefdom of modern academia, where identity is the currency of credibility, being a white male is like showing up to a vegan potluck wearing a butcher’s apron.

Einstein’s contributions to science—redefining space/time, gravity, energy and how light works—are irrelevant when weighed against the church of intersectionality.

“We’re trying to decenter whiteness in STEM,” Dr. Virtue explains to her committee, who nod solemnly. “His CV screams Eurocentric patriarchy.”

Einstein might protest: “But I’m a refugee, a critic of nationalism, a man who championed peace!” The committee yawns.

“Systemic privilege,” they counter, citing a 2024 study from the Journal of Decolonial Physics that argues relativity itself is a construct because it assumes a universal framework.

Never mind that the math checks out. Math, after all, is racist.

Strike two.

Einstein the Male

Princeton’s physics department is under pressure to meet its 50 percent gender parity goal, a mandate handed down by the Office of Equity and Inclusion. With only 30 percent of the current faculty identifying as women or non-binary, the department is eager to “balance the scales.”

Einstein’s application does not include his pronouns. At Princeton, this is a nonstarter.

“We need voices that challenge the cisheteronormative paradigm,” Dr. Virtue declares. Einstein’s groundbreaking work on quantum mechanics? Irrelevant. His theory of general relativity? Pssshh. His ability to inspire generations of physicists? Passé.

The committee would rather hire a candidate who would advance its “Queering the Quark” initiative.

Strike three.

The Rejection Letter

A week later, Einstein receives a form email:

“Dear Dr. Einstein, Thank you for your application. While your qualifications are impressive, we have selected a candidate whose profile better aligns with our commitment to diversity, equity, and inclusion. We wish you the best in your future endeavors.”

Princeton instead hired a candidate with a stellar X thread on “Quantum Physics for Social Justice.” The new hire identifies as a non-binary Latinx scholar. They’s dissertation is a 200-page treatise on “Afrofuturist Interpretations of Black Holes.” The department celebrates its progressive vision.

Meanwhile, Einstein’s theory of relativity gathers dust, dismissed as “problematic” for its lack of “lived experience.”

It’s 2025. Albert Einstein would be canceled.

He’ll probably end up driving an Uber.

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