Humor: "Brain Droppings"
Oddities, amusing anecdotes, quandaries and stuff I find funny or that genuinely confuses me.
I try not to let too many outside thoughts burrow into my lizard brain. But strange stuff occasionally leaks in, almost by osmosis, and usually during Hypnagogia, that time between consciousness and sleep. Other times, my inner wiring conjures concepts about this Strange New World we live in. Oddities, anecdotes, language puzzles …. stuff I find funny or that genuinely confuses me.
Some of the observations listed below are things I’ve heard or remembered from the past. But most are original thoughts …
There’s no such thing as “self-help” books. If you get advice from someone else, that’s not “self-help” … that’s help.
How would the television series “Friends” be made today? The show could still be based on six Gen Z’ers sitting around a coffee shop. However, one would be white, another black, one Hispanic, another Muslim, at least one Asian … and perhaps an Anime character thrown in for good measure. Their genders would be anybody’s guess – though half would be non-binary. And all six would be scrolling social media on their I-Phones digging for “likes” or complaining about corporate America (except Pfizer, of course).
The World Health Organization (WHO) recently said one out of four people will have a major mental breakdown sometime in his/her life.
Think about that next time you’re at a party.
If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done … succeeded or failed?
Is the “skinny” look in men’s fashion considered attractive? Really? Guys who wear them are young and fit. But it appears to me as if they tried on a suit, exited the dressing room, looked at a mirror, saw a perfect fit, and then had it tailored down two sizes. Me? I find pants hemmed above the ankles really weird.
Is it true that surgical masks are the Democrats’ version of MAGA hats?
Flashback: Why, when I was a kid screwing around with something sharp, would my mother always warn me “put that down before you put somebody’s eye out!?” Couldn’t I injure them in some other way?
Women: Can you put on mascara without opening your mouth?
Why aren’t there any Thanksgiving songs? Christmas has dozens of widely-adored tunes, but Turkey Day has nothing. Unless you count Arlo Guthrie’s “Alice’s Restaurant Massacre,” a blissfully funny ode to disposing of post-Thanksgiving dinner garbage. But only us Boomers remember it … it was recorded live in 1967.
Why do I try to get out of my car with my seat belt still on?
Why is it that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out of the window?
Why don’t psychics always win the lottery?
Men: How many times in your life have you accidentally sat on your testicles?
From comic Bill Burr --
Girlfriend: “I have a good idea! Wanna go to brunch?!”
Boyfriend: “Sure, who wouldn’t want to pay $52 for eggs?”
Why do criminals who are executed by lethal injection first have their arms swabbed with alcohol?
Does anyone else turn down the volume on their radio while slowing down to look for an address?
Do people really use their phone while sitting on the toilet? I read a survey where 50 percent of respondents admitted their legs fell asleep scrolling while on the throne. Really?
What would happen if everyone on earth jumped at the same time?
Ladies: When you ask your guy what he’s thinking about, and he answers “nothing” … believe him. Take my word for it, at any given moment the male brain is perfectly capable of going stone cold dormant. White noise.
Why is kale so good for you, yet you have to chop it to the molecular level to eat?
Flashback: Why did my sons open the refrigerator, blankly stare for five minutes without reaching in, close the door … then do the same goddamn thing five minutes later?
How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?
Why isn’t the word “lisp” spelled “lipth?”
What is the youngest that someone can die of old age?
To this day, it still bothers me that the “Hundred Years War” lasted 116 years (1337 to 1453).
Why do people back into parking spaces? This practice confounds and irritates me. Worried about door dings? You’ll just get them on the back door rather than the front. Looking for a quick and easy exit? It took you five minutes of maneuvering and 15 steering corrections to back in. I know. I’m the guy waiting behind you and contemplating murder.
Does a sandwich taste better when cut in half, or diagonally?
Who the hell is Pete? And why do I have to do something for his sake?
How come 95 percent of my spam phone calls come from solicitors offering me a car warranty?
30. Why can’t women just drop the lid and be done with it?
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“When nothing goes right … go left.”
17. The other 50% of respondents are lying or blind.
31. Why does Jim use a dinkus at the end of his article?