In Part 1 (or Un) I advanced my thoughts on the subjects of Honesty, Self-Reliance, Temperament and Listening. Seeing as how that piece on “life lessons” was met with minimal protest, and not taken as trifling, I’ve occupied this period of retirement with placing Part II to digital parchment.
My target of “life lessons” is primarily the younger male (age 16-35), although since his female counterpart has a stake in the game she may read with more than passing interest.
In this sequel, I broach the topics of Judgmentalism, Personal Growth and Humility. On balance they carry equal value. Lessons can be applied at any age, although I suggest the earlier the better. The problem herein lies with the latent development of the male brain, which ceases from ages 13 to 15, but fueled by curiosity and testosterone. resumes its development at age 16. After that, it is a toss-up.
Now ladies, I know this may come as a shock, but the male brain is located in the cranium, above the neck, and not attached to the lower torso. Upon puberty, his (am I using the right pronoun??) synapses fire wildly at the wonders of explosions, cars, food, flatulence, sharks, tools, beer, sports and, well okay, the female form.
But there’s hope xx’s; his compulsions will not always be so limited. Rather, he will expand horizons and may even take interest in topics you fancy. He may even go shopping with you. Even if he occupies the nearest bench with five other men, consider it a win. (One exception: Going out for Sunday brunch. Terrible idea, says comic Bill Burr, who sneers at the idea of paying $52 for eggs and missing kickoff. For God Sake ladies, Burr is right!) But, given the right circumstances, your man may evolve from that Cro Magnon who drinks straight from the milk carton into that genteel bon vivant worthy of a GQ cover you want him to be.
But heed this warning, ladies. He is who he is. He will mature (well, somewhat … maybe … eventually), but please don’t try to change his core. He may not be perfect, but attempts to sculpt him to your desires and preferences will only result in disaster. If occasionally he is so inclined to drink his favorite ale, scream maniacally at the referee, or parrot lines from The Big Lebowski, roll with it.
Therefore, let the lessons commence …
Judgmentalism
Regretfully, my attempt to become less judgmental came late in life. Still, even as I trudge gently toward my good night and thus carry a lifetime of prejudice and bias, I still consider it a worthwhile, even necessary endeavor. It is a laborious process. I am a work-in-progress. Sixty years of blunders are hard to erase. Here are my thoughts...
Well, it’s complicated …
Too often we fall back on platitudes and cliches -- “don’t judge a book by its cover” and “walk a mile in his shoes” -- or turn to biblical verse. These are healthy reminders worthy of an online meme, or bumper sticker.
However, I require something slightly more concrete to follow, such as context. The 12-Step programs offer such context. Judgmentalism and conciliation are functions of a process, a framework, and are part of a greater goal. Witness steps 8 and 9 …
8. Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
The “12 Steps” may be the most viable path I’ve seen to achieving moral and mental health, regardless of addiction.
However, as previously noted, almost seven decades of interpersonal blunders is hard to undo. I’ve decided to be more choosy in reconciling my history. To be frank, some people in my past have repeatedly done such egregious harm that it isn’t worth the effort. Best to ignore. Avoid them. (I believe the popular term among millennials is “ghosting.”)
This may seem contrary to my cause. Perhaps so. All the same, a very, very dear friend suggested I should instead surround myself with positive, caring people, near and afar. I’ve taken that road, and it has made all the difference. Not a cop-out, but a choice. In the last six months I’ve reconnected with several old friends, most of whom I have been separated from for decades. It has been a joyous experience.
OK. Past is past. What to do now? OK, here’s the answer (I think)...
Okay, gentlemen, my unsolicited advice: For those who you will meet tomorrow or in future crossroads, reserving judgment has tremendous value. Interestingly, I turn to my past for a model. As a teacher, I welcomed 120-150 new students every year. Ethics Training, coupled with an internal fairness code, commanded that I not judge any kid upon first or second impressions. To do so would not just be unethical, it would be unconscionable.
Exemplar: Elizabeth X, a young lady in my sophomore Lit class a few years ago. Elizabeth had a reputation … She was loud, uncultured, uninhibited, sometimes vulgar and often inappropriate. Failure was constant. I confided with her case worker, and found out Elizabeth had no father and was abandoned by her mother at age 7. She
was caught in Foster care hell for years, bounced from one group home to another. Abandonment became a disease. So her reckless behavior had a source; and it was understandable, probably inevitable.
I opted to “kill her with kindness” and respect. Soft tones, gentle admonitions. I gave her approval she had never before experienced. I assigned her class responsibilities, collecting papers and such. She responded beautifully, and soon returned respect and gave her best effort. On one writing assignment, Elizabeth exposed what lay beneath … a good soul and sparks of intelligence. She was so proud of her grade.
Last I heard, Elizabeth had found trouble, again, and today her whereabouts are unknown. But I believed I took the right course. It was working. It just needed more time.
Perhaps Elizabeth finds someone else who hasn’t judged her first. Hopefully she’s found happiness. There are countless Elizabeths in my teaching past. Many experienced unimaginable hardship … victims of abuse of all kinds, addiction, depression, disease (including HIV/AIDs), rape, mental illness, pregnancy and parenthood, abortion, bullying, abandonment, neglect, suicide, even witness to murder.
All of these children were ill-equipped with the emotional stability to deal with it. Aberrant behavior in such cases is universal. To that end, (pre) judging them would have been morally criminal. They needed help, not condemnation.
You, my friends, are more than adequately equipped with intellect, maturity and compassion. Use it.
So, I suggest that you look upon all fresh acquaintances as potential Elizabeths, regardless of age. If somebody offends, through deed or word, action or inaction, reserve judgment. They may be struggling with problems unknown. Don’t wag an accusatory finger …. give them the benefit of doubt, always. See something online that chafes you? Let it slide. Disagree with an opinion? Make a study of where they’re coming from. Maybe you’ll learn something important that you’ve missed before.
Avoid absolutes and the current phenomena of tribalism, dogmatism and cancel culture. All are divisive, all are toxic. Listen, and consciously lean toward fairness in interactions. Make civil behavior and open communication a top priority in word, deed and thought.
It is the right thing to do.
Humility
Gentlemen, despite the obvious overreach and hyperbole of the “Me, Too” movement (see: Cancel Culture above), “boys will be boys” really is not an acceptable excuse for caveman behavior. You can be bold, and proud, and confident without being a self-absorbed gasbag. Besides, if literary history has taught us anything, hubris can be a
fatal flaw even to the greatest of men (see: Oedipus Rex, Odyssius, Julius Caesar, Victor Frankenstein, Jay Gatsby and Lex Luthor).
Nowhere is the lack of humility more present than in social media, where Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (to a lesser extent) have become the digital version of Tombstone. Twitter, especially, is dominated by intolerance and obnoxiousness. The “I-don’t-care-what-you-think-I’m-in-your-face” mentality has transformed the platform into a trendy, dogpiling social sewer, an even lower form of communication than television (and that says a lot). On Twitter, you can be as vile, nasty and vindictive as allowed by the anonymity of a keyboard. Civility is almost non-existent. Facebook is still the scrapbook for family content and cute videos, but social confrontation is creeping into its daily table of contents.
Clearly, humility has more denotations than personal grace and modesty. It is implicit in all communication. Technology is a good starting place. Gents, change your mindset while using these platforms. Think tolerance instead of confrontation, acceptance over bigotry. Let your better self show. In your acts, consider the effect on others before taking initiative. Listen. Review your conversation against the language of pride. Accept compliments and approval with grace.
And ask for directions, for Chrissakes.
Personal Growth
I’m not reinventing the wheel. There’s not much found here that isn’t found in Wayne Dyer, Dale Carnegie or even, (gulp) Tony Robbins. But you don’t have to walk on fire to grow. The best advice lately is found in Dr. Jordan Peterson’s book, 12 Rules for Life: An antidote to chaos. A well-researched, enlightening book. I’m no Jordan Peterson. But my advice is free.
One statement from a past friend has always stuck with me. “If you don’t grow, you die.” Extreme, maybe. But I got the point. Just as poignant is a line from the great film, The Shawshank Redemption … “Get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’.” I suggest, gents, that given our limited time on this planet, you get busy living.
My list is condensed. And I also have the benefit of oodles of time in retirement. But I cannot emphasize enough the importance of improving and growing, regardless of age and circumstance. Say your job and family leave little time for such luxury. Well, I have an answer (at the risk of sounding preachy): make time. Doesn’t matter when … 5 a.m. … or the midnight hour. Seclude yourself. Ask the family for understanding and explain why. Consider it your Zen time.
Now, use that time to actively make yourself a little smarter, a little kinder, a little healthier, a little better, a little more whole each day. No doubt, this takes discipline and resolve. No shortcuts. Few, if any days off. (Here’s the best part: It is fulfilling, and can even be fun.)
Be diligent. This means starting and completing everything you do. First order of business … make your bed (interestingly, this is the title of Ch. 1 of Dr. Peterson’s book. Remember, he has millions of followers). Don’t leave dishes in the sink. Pick up your clothes. Clean your messes.
Read every day, even if for only 15 minutes … doesn’t matter what it is.
Scour the streaming channels for documentaries … or even YouTube. Topics are varied and easily accessible. Resolve yourself to doing this a couple of times a week. Most are around 45 minutes.
Find online snippets of author/intellectual Christopher Hitchens, British actor Stephen Fry, author Douglas Murray or Harvard linguist Dr. Steven Pinker video on YouTube … in 5 minutes you’ll be instantly smarter. (Warning: The late, great Mr. Hitchens was a fierce atheist. But his knowledge of history, philosophy, literature and politics were unparalleled. His speaking skills are the best I’ve ever seen. Ever.
Learn something new … how to cook a chicken, how to fix that annoying faucet drip, organize your closet, mend the fence, patch the gouges in the wall. If you’re not a handyman, learn about Western civilization. Read John Locke, John Stuart Mill, Marcus Aurilias, Immanuel Kant, Alexis de Tocqueville or Niccolo Machiavelli. We have an amazing culture guys. Learn about it.
Listen to classical music. Not rousing 75 minute symphonies, but soft, chamber music or sonatas. Or baroque. I recommend Bach, Schubert and Brahms.
Now here’s the easy stuff. Make somebody else’s life better …
Compliment someone … out of the blue. Don’t be creepy, just civil. And sincere.
Wave at children.
If you see someone dancing with earbuds on, dance with them. I did this all the time while teaching high school. They loved it.
Send a “thinking of you” text to a distant friend or relative.
Help someone struggling with groceries.
Assure someone who have misbehaving children that it’s OK.
Tip 20%-plus … always.
Rare, but if you can, pay for someone’s groceries or coffee
Learn to say “hello” in multiple languages.
Be kind to customer service people, those in hospitality and janitors
Hold the elevator
Buy lemonade from the kid’s lemonade stand
Return the shopping cart to the “corral”
Pick up trash off the sidewalk
And the very best thing you can do as a human being … “pay it forward.”
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Jim Geschke was inducted into the Marquis’ Who’s Who in America registry in 2021