The Madness of King's English

English is the Wild West of languages, where rules aren’t just broken, they’re nuked.

Oct 31, 2023

There are some 7,117 languages currently spoken around the globe — that is “living” languages — according to Ethnologue, the annual reference publication for linguistic data.

Ethnologue also lists more than 300 writing systems, but does not specify local patois (such as Jamaican Creole), regional dialects and various ethnic mixes that run into the tens of thousands.

Sitting atop this Tower of Babel is English, with almost 1.5 billion speakers worldwide. Because it is so widely spoken, it is the international language for travel, business, trade and geopolitics (French and English are the working languages of the United Nations).

You’d think with so many people using the common tongue there was a comprehensive guidebook to cover grammar, mechanics, morphology, semantics, idioms, spelling and locution.

Nope. We’re more or less on our own. And it is maddening.

English: Linguistic Anarchy

English is the Wild West of languages, linguistic anarchy, where rules aren’t just broken, they’re nuked.

There are lots of reasons why.

English is a West Germanic language derived from the Indo-European family whose speakers, called Anglophones, originated in early medieval England. (Think Geoffrey Chaucer/The Canterbury Tales). But English is also an aggregate — it assimilates words and their derivations from dozens of global languages, including “dead languages” such as Latin and Ancient Greek.

And therein lies the conundrum.

The foreign usurpers don’t always fit the mold. Phonetics are baffling (for example, the -gh sound … though vs. tough). Grammar is like shooting from a duck blind. Then there’s the decoding of idioms and jargon.

Add to that slang, argots and the nouveau digital shortcuts.

No wonder people are turning to emojis to express their thoughts. And most of us are supposedly fluent.

Imagine what it’s like for the second-language learner.

Dedicated to Vice-President Kamala Harris

The most celebrated practitioner of fractured English is Kamala Harris, Vice President of the United States. In her speeches, Ms. Harris always manages to turn chicken salad into chicken shit. Even her deaf interpreters end up shrugging their shoulders. Her pedantic prattle always leaves us laughing.

So here’s to you, Madam Vice-President, America’s walking, talking WTF.

So, here’s a quick overview of the Madness of King’s English.

I have some questions …

Word Play

There is no egg in eggplant, nor is there pine or an apple in pineapple. Boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

Why isn’t cheese the plural of choose?

Follow the logic: One goose, two geese. So, one moose, two meese?

If retired teachers like me taught, does that mean old preachers praught?

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

If you replace the “W” in Where, What and When with a “T”, you’ve answered the question.

Enunciate!

If womb is pronounced woom, and tomb is pronounced toom, why isn’t bomb pronounced boom?

Queue: Five letters, but you only pronounce the first one.

The Oxford Comma?
“Bite me, asshole!” = Grammatically correct invective
“Bite me asshole!” = Perverted pirate

Say the following words phonetically exactly as they’re spelled: Colonel … rendezvous … yacht … epitome … chord … salmon.

JarJar and the ajar jar …

Adjectives: Order! Order!

Even though we've never been explicitly taught, there is one English rule we never break ...

Adjective order …

When describing something, there is a specific linear order in which adjectives must follow: opinion … size … age … shape … color … origin material … purpose … and finally the noun.

That's why "Look at that square little adorable heart-shaped gift pink old cardboard box!" will not do.

It must read as follows: "Look at that adorable little old heart-shaped pink cardboard gift box!"

If only …

Place the word “only” anywhere in the sentence.

You Don’t Say?

Are you flummoxed by the difference between "content" (filling, substance) and "content" (satisfied) or "record" (a document) and "record” (video or audio tape)?

There’s actually a legitimate rule for those pesky stress patterns. English standards delineate the difference between nouns (first syllable is stressed “content”) and verbs (second syllable stressed “content”).

Slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing.

Can a wise man be a wise guy?

How can it be hot as hell in one place, and cold as hell in another?

You fill in a form by filling it out.

An alarm clock goes off by turning on.

Backwards English

Imagine eating a jelly and peanut butter sandwich. Or cheese and mac. With a little spice and sugar.

Everything is right there in white and black.

“Ok, let’s roll ‘n rock!”

It’s how you say it …

“I never said she stole my money.”

This sentence has seven entirely different meanings depending on which word is stressed. Try it.

“I before e, except after c”

Rule: "I before e, except after c” … right?

Unless …

The 'c' is part of a 'sh' sound as in 'glacier'

Or it appears in superlatives like 'fancier …

Or when the vowels are sounded as a long 'e' as in 'seize'

Or as a long 'i' as in 'height'

Or in compound words as in 'albeit'

Or in other random exceptions such as 'forfeit.'

Isn’t that weird?

Oxymorons

The joining of two words that are contrary to one another.

Clearly misunderstood
Jumbo shrimp
Act naturally
Found missing
Only choice
Original copies

And the mother of all oxymorons…

Happily married

Finally, to our British neighbours ..

We won. We dropped the ‘u.’ Get over it.

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