Humor: "Brain Droppings -- Part Deux!"
The Sequel! More triflings, factoids and other stuff I sometimes ponder. But none of it is "misinformation."
Believe me, I’m not all that weird. I just seem to attract and retain triflings and inconsequential thoughts. If Jeopardy had a “Stupid Shit” category, I’d be gold. For about two minutes. That’s roughly the limit of my cognitive process.
Moreover, I choose frivolity over angst … about viruses, mandates, inflation, performance outrage, Joe Rogan or general online delirium. It’s wearisome and decidedly unfunny. So here I offer my sequel to Part 1 “Brain Droppings” … call it “Brain Droppings: Part Deux.”
Why is there enough asphalt to make speed bumps and not enough to fill potholes?
Was Leroy Brown really that bad? Also, why shouldn’t I mess around with Jim?
I sometimes need a “Stop Doing” list more than a “To Do” list.
What would happen if it was your turn in a spelling bee and the word kakorrhaphiophobia came up?
The answer to that age old question …
To the man who invented one-ply toilet paper, I will not shake your hand.
Why do some people cut the green mold off the edge of cheese and say “see, it’s still good?”
Have you ever left a store without buying anything and silently said to yourself “just act natural, nobody will notice?”
Are grapes really wine, just in pill form?
Ladies: Has a baby ever rooted for your boob even if you were well beyond menopause?
Pregnant man emoji: I just recently learned this was a thing. The “Pregnant Man” emoji (officially coded U+1FAC3) is included on the most recent update for Apple’s I-Phone. Since I own an Android, I remain among the unwashed masses. As evidence of my techno-penury, I also do not carry my phone in hand 24/7.
The “Pregnant Man” emoji However, at the risk of making a mountain-molehill analogy, I wonder about Apple’s ‘inclusion’ of “Pregnant Man” as a viable contribution to society at large. My visceral response is … “are you fucking kidding me?”
“Bookkeeper” is the only word in the English language that has three consecutive double letters.
Historical Fact: Napoleon Bonaparte was not short. He stood 5-foot-7, which actually was above average height for a man in the early 19th century.
Bonaparte … a “giant” among men. . True story (well, kinda): I have a physical every year … and every year I absolutely dread the prostate check. Last month, when my doctor finished the deed, he asked … “Are you OK?” I replied, “I’m fine … but I noticed something. Why did you have both hands on my shoulders?”
I can count at least a dozen times I’ve stumbled in public … and then ever-so-coolly turned it into a natural pace. Sort of like brushing back your hair after somebody ignores your “high five.”
Did you know .. there’s eight different ways to pronounce the “ough” combination in English words? “A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful man walked through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed, and hiccoughed.”
True story: Many years ago, I took my youngest son – an Asperger’s kid – grocery shopping. He was about four or five. We’re at the checkout, he looks at the woman in front of us and asks loudly “Daddy, why is that lady so fat?”
Did you know? All Australian red and gray kangaroos are left-handed? Completely unrelated to left-handed baseball pitchers being called “Southpaws.”
Ever notice when a can accidentally drops out of your shopping bag it automatically rolls 30 feet … and under another car?
Another true story … I was driving along I-8 through San Diego, looked over at the car next to me … and the driver was playing a trumpet.
Have you ever reached the bottom of a staircase and accidentally missed the last step?
Are you alarmed when you suddenly see yourself in your phone’s front-facing camera?
True: I never swore in front of my mother. Not once. She lived to be 90.
Many years ago I attended a lecture by the late great gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson at the University of California San Diego library. He was stoned out of his gourd and basically mumbled for about 70 minutes.
Hunter S. Thompson … “Fear and Loathing…” The only time Thompson raised his voice was when he screamed obscenities at people outside who were tapping coins on the library windows.
Guilty: I have used the corner of two walls to scratch my back.
Ladies: I’m all for equal rights, equal pay, etc. EDI, right?. So … next time there’s a strange noise in the middle of the night it’s your turn to get up and check it out. #metoo.
Is there a funnier scene in movies than when Walter tries to scatter Donnie’s ashes into the ocean from a Folgers can? (The Big Lebowski, 1998)
Eeww … Roughly 2% of your body weight is made up of bacteria and other microorganisms. That means if you weigh 200 pounds, four pounds are cooties.
Finally … did you know? Human females are the only primates with permanent breasts? All other female primates on earth only grow rounded breasts while feeding.
(Thank you, God!)
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Dedicated to my only hero … Samuel Langhorne Clemens … “Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”
Here are a few answers:
7. Because there are people who cut the white mold before eating camembert.
8. Nope. In Japanese convenience stores, you can even use their restroom without buying anything. And when you leave the store, all the clerks will shout "Thank you! Please come again!" Honest. No shit.
11. I don't even own a smartphone. Somehow, nobody believes me.
14. What kind of prostate check do you have over there?! Mine, by the way, is 2.5 times bigger than normal. Gotta take a pill every day.
17. A very legitimate question, methinks. The real problem is that fat people are being demonized today. In India, by the way, they will ask you the more personal questions matter-of-factly. Like, why are you missing your right hand? What happened to you?
22. See #11.
27. There are plenty. Can't remember any, though.
And now, a question for you: Do you know that Japanese houses are hot and damp and muggy in summer and icy cold in winter? Don't you believe me? Please check this out: https://giannisimone.substack.com/p/poor-life-in-rich-japan