Life Lessons: Virtues to Aspire To...

Unsolicited advice from an older man to younger men ... and women, who have an equal stake in this game. Pursue: Honesty, Listening, Temperament and Personal Responsibility

By Jim Geschke

(Edited and updated from September, 2020)

As I’ve grown old ... well, older ... I’ve arrived at the notion that, being a veteran of the human race for 66 years, I have acquired at least some practicable knowledge known as “Life Lessons.”

These lessons, subsequently, are in accord with virtues I now consider sacred, or at least, worthy of aspiration: Honesty, Listening, Temperament and Personal Responsibility.

Not all of these lessons are immutable truths, nor are they self-evident. Some were obtained not through scientific process, but via trial-and-error (i.e. “that stove is hot! S**t!”). Others came by accident, a result of my somewhat limited cognitive capacity: you know, the “well, duh!” moments. Most were the outcome of my own faulty logic or judgment, those live-and-learn experiences that inevitably led to some measure of pain.

Many lessons are hard, some handy, others counter-intuitive. Regretfully, a few emerged so late in life as to be of little personal use. But this much is true: none came as an epiphany, that wondrous bolt of wisdom punctuated by an arm-pump and a winning cry of “Eureka!” No, acquisition of wisdom was akin to the process of osmosis, slowly penetrating the Neanderthal-like plate that precedes my frontal lobes. 

“Age is a case of mind over matter; if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” -- Satchel Paige

I do not impart these virtue-based lessons on a whim. Originally this consultation was intended for young men. Then I came to realize these virtues are fundamental and binary. I simply wish to inform my brothers and sisters — and any other sentient person — that by accessing this knowledge from someone who has survived nearly seven decades that you just might achieve propriety and improve the quality of life.

For the best example, I defer to the great British Victorian poet Rudyard Kipling, who penned the immortal poem “If” as the masculine rite of passage from adolescence to manhood, beginning with the memorable lines …

If you can keep your head when all about you   

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   ...

Wise counsel. I offer my gems as a checklist, a patriarchal guideline, or a system for dudes and dudettes to abide. Here are the first four … 

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1. Honesty (“To thine own self be true”)

Shakespeare’s words, as spoken by Poloneus to Prince Hamlet, elicit multiple meanings. Yes, it is important to be honest with yourself; however, the full quote carries an even deeper message … commitment to oneself and to others. 

“This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man. 

Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!” 

Honesty may be our purist virtue, and the most difficult to attain and/or maintain. We fool ourselves all the time with tools of defense and fraud … rationalization, shade, pretense, vanity, deflection, even apology (“I’m sorry you feel that way” may be the most disingenuous of these deceits.)

It is imperative that we are honest and forthright in self-assessment. A good teacher -- or any professional -- reflects daily and assesses his/her own strategies, methods and performance. The teacher knows what worked with students, what didn’t, and makes appropriate adjustments/improvements. 

And so it is with our daily lives. You can’t fix any problem, personal or otherwise, or correct a fault, without honesty. Be honest with who you are, with what you are, and work with that. Don’t delude yourself with rationalization or excuses. A wise man once said “If it’s not right, don’t do it; if it’s not true, don’t say it.”

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2. Shut up and listen

Don’t just hear someone. Listen. Men, we can take a bow to our female counterparts, who are expert at this practice. Brothers, deep down we are hunters, and as such we are wired to track and solve the problem. In prehistoric times, the problem was simple: hunger. The answer was equivocal: “Bring home dinner.”

With cringing consent to the obvious, today’s world is infinitely more complex. In ancient times, survival was contingent upon survival instinct. Today, it’s the other way around: instinct, or at least impulse, drives behavior … sometimes very bad behavior. And we are prideful and selfish. Still, today, all too often men address a problem and enlist the most pragmatic low-tech answer …  which sometimes is interpreted as “mansplaining.”

Men, we haven’t evolved very much, have we? No, women possess an advanced understanding of this communicative form … they don’t necessarily want their problem solved, they want someone to listen. To the fairer sex, uninhibited expression is cathartic, a feminine tradition of self-awareness and cleansing. Especially to other women.

To the fairer sex, uninhibited expression is cathartic, a feminine tradition of self-awareness and cleansing. Especially to other women.

Yes, gentlemen, it can be unnerving to the point of exasperation, but if you shut up and listen maybe you’ll bond with that soul you call a mate. 

Conversely, ladies, if you ask your man how he’s doing and he always says “I’m alright,” he’s not alright. It behooves you to take a role you’re wonderfully suited for … nurturing. Make him feel safe to express himself … the “I’ve got your back no matter what” stratagem. Modern men crave affirmation and validation. We may not say it aloud. But we need it. All of us. Just ask.

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3. Temperament: Calm (the f**k) down

Maintain a level temperament (if you can). Don’t let trifling things trouble you. Kipling’s instruction merits a refrain … 

 If you can keep your head when all about you   

Are losing theirs   …

This, of course, is more easily said than done. Anger is as natural as any other emotion and I dare say the most difficult to harness. Psychology has devoted as much study to anger as love, fear, or any other human chord.

Some say anger can be monitored, channeled, even redirected towards motivation and production. To my mind, this is imprudent advice. Who can say they are at their best when red with rage? Not many, I’ll wager. Even worse, what about engaging a loved one while in the throes of a conniption fit? How’s that work? 

Perhaps redirection is true if there’s a gym nearby. Go punish the elliptical, or slam the dumb bells (so named for a reason). If you fancy kickboxing, eviscerate the nearest heavy bag. If you’re into Janov-like primal screaming, scream away. Otherwise this is a fool’s errand. 

Nothing will take a man down faster than a spate of anger, an accusatory email, a Tourrette’s-like Tweet ... or an indiscriminate punch. The former actions are housed in technology and are in the ether forever. The latter (punching) is temporary, yet can

Nothing will take a man down faster than a spate of anger, an accusatory email, a Tourrette’s-like Tweet ... or an indiscriminate punch.

lead to severe consequences -- the offender may be human and return the favor -- or worse, call the police. If the punch is aimed at something inanimate, such as the nearest wall, remember that wall inherently is unforgiving and will render the dominant hand useless for a long time. 

Ultimately, you must find a way to assuage your feelings. To this, I offer no easy solution, only suggestions. First, make it a point to steer wide of situations which lead to outbursts. Don’t get baited. Count to ten. Walk away. Think about baseball. Or Hallmark. Find a way to check yourself. Be mindful of two masked but very important factors … is this really worth your angst … and, just as pertinent, who are you really angry at? The answer may be surprising. 

At this point, it may be wise to turn to the eternal Serenity Prayer, which carries profound deliverance …

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  

4. Take Personal Responsibility (“Own your mistakes”)

“The mistakes you make in life are not what define your character, the way you take responsibility for them is.” -- Thomas Hardy

or

“Before you point fingers, make sure your hands are clean.” 

The big three of 17th century Enlightenment philosophy, John Locke, Charles Montesquieu and John-Jacques Rousseau, championed personal responsibility, enough to favor government by people. In geopolitical terms, true democratic rule

John Locke

would vanquish antiquated and inept monarchism and lay the mantle of governance on the populace. Theirs was no small nudge to civil society; it was seismic history, and foretold both the American and French revolutions. 

The Enlightenment also blossomed on these shores the concept of rugged American Individualism, a living ideal in which the individual is totally self-reliant and independent from the outside, usually from state or government assistance. A worthwhile goal, I say.

But there are two key parts to personal responsibility, becoming self-reliant and “owning your mistakes.” 

Self-reliance should be the Holy Grail for everyone. Again, an homage to Emerson ... 

“Be yourself; no base imitator of another, but your best self. There is something which you can do better than another. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that. Do the things at which you are great, not what you were never made for.”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance and Other Essays

But self-reliance is a formidable task, requiring many life skills, financial stability and a determined mindset. Further, self-reliance also extends your responsibility to dependents. You may want a Maserati, but you have a Prius budget. Word of advice: Settle for the Prius. You’ll still get from Point A to Point B, just a bit slower. Make decisions based on reason and logic, not emotion. Take financial chances, but only when you’ve made a good study and the odds are in your favor.

Owning your mistakes -- this entails a bolus of humility and a healthy dose of Honesty (see above). Our anatomy, especially the brain, doesn’t respond well to being told “you’re wrong.” We may contort, even genuflect at the suggestion. More likely, the spine will stiffen and the eyes roll. (Be mindful that even Ivy League linguists agree that 90 percent of all communication is non-verbal.)

Face it. It hurts when you’re wrong. It hurts your feelings, which is inexorably linked to your pride. The knee-jerk reaction is to blame others, to find fault elsewhere. To do so is a sin, not unpardonable, but a sin nonetheless. 

So take a gulp of your pride. It’s good medicine. You see, others view your mea culpa admirably; some even consider it noble. One sure bet: it is a sign of strength, not weakness. You may consider admonishment a personal affront, but if it prompts you seek within, then consider it a blessing. Be mindful of the words of the late great UCLA basketball coach John Wooden...

“You can make mistakes, but you aren’t a failure until you start blaming others for those mistakes.” 

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Jim Geschke was inducted into the prestigious Marquis Who’s Who Registry in 2021