Satire: Stanford's list of No-No's
Stanford's IT department's language police motto: "To Correct and Serve"
In case you missed it …
Earlier this year, Stanford University’s IT department launched its Elimination of Harmful Language Initiative (EHLI), aiming to identify and address words that could be considered harmful to its socially-blinkered student body. Months in the making, the initiative finally made headlines last week when the department published the list of naughty words on its website.
The response was — as an IT bluehair might put it — “less than optimal.” It was instantly roasted by even the most liberal critics; in fact, the school’s independent newspaper, The Stanford Review, blasted the list, calling it an Orwellian “Guide to Newspeak.” Ouch.
Ah, Stanford. Nestled in the pastoral foothills of Palo Alto, CA, a city in the southern part of the San Francisco Bay Area famously known as the heart of Silicon Valley. It is among the Top 3 academic institutions in the country (with Harvard and MIT), and home to 21 Nobel laureates. It boasts elite academic programs in law, physics, engineering and, of course, high-tech. Alumni include Herbert Hoover, Sandra Day-O’Connor, Phil Knight, Sally Ride, Peter Thiel, Sen. Corey Booker, Rachel Maddow, Chelsea Clinton and Tiger Woods.
(Stanford also has its notable dropouts … author John Steinbeck, Microsoft business exec Steve Ballmer and … well, you guys might know this man.)
Ooops. Sorry. “You guys” is on the “harmful” list … it lacks inclusivity and is not gender-neutral.
The list covers an array of verboten words, including grandfather, straight, seminal, abort, spaz, hip-hip-hooray, cakewalk, “ballsy” and “balls to the wall.” The last two are targeted because they “attribute personality traits to the male anatomy.” Funny, I’m pretty sure those origins are rooted in military aviation.
But, whatever. Testicles, pilot daring or cockpit joysticks, Stanford is done with balls.
The whole thing smells of a satirical spoof from the Babylon Bee. But IT people are not known for waggish humor. So as long as Stanford’s best and brightest are fighting harmful language, I suggest two other words that won’t be found on campus:
“Common sense.”
Stanford’s Reputation
Stanford is not a snobby ivory-tower institute overwrought with pomp and circumstance. Its traditions — other than the infamous Stanford Prison Experiment — are mostly harmless and playful. In fact, some are outright cheeky, especially considering the social climate on other campuses.
The most notorious is Full Moon on the Quad, an inter-class kissing event where freshmen and seniors lock lips on the night of the first full moon. Students often wear "bingo boards" to keep track of the various types of smooches they're seeking out for the night.
Though the nickname is the Cardinal (singular), Stanford’s unofficial mascot is a "tree" that changes every year based on a unique, always whimsical design by members of Stanford's marching band.
Speaking of the Stanford marching band …
The band itself is officially called the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band (LSJUMB). To say its members are “irreverent” is a gross understatement. The band’s outlandish behavior is notorious within the NCAA establishment. In the past, they’ve been reprimanded for “mooning” the crowd, urinating on the field, and spelling out obscene words in formation. One year, during the halftime show of a home game against USC, the band spelled out "NO BALLZ" while marching in formation as male genitalia.
Shoot, they’ve even been banned from Disneyland. Just last month, LSJUMB offended visiting Brigham Young University by performing an act that showcased “two women who were married to each other” with the program’s announcer using terms and phrases from the Book of Mormon.
So the school’s sudden turn to social consciousness seems a bit out of character.
The List of No-No’s
The EHLI list is divided into 10 sections: ableist, colonialism, culturally appropriative, gender-based ... you know … all the social justice buzzwords.
Below is an abridged version. (You can view the entire list here)
Underneath each section is a sampling of sentences written in the King’s English, followed by the same sentence modified and ordained as acceptable by the IT woke-a-doodles.
Ableist Language
Stanford Explanation: Ableist language is offensive or devalues people who live with disabilities.
Me: I thought his idea was really dumb.
Stanford: I thought his idea was that of a non-vocal person.
Me: I think men being allowed in the Ladies' bathroom is insane.
Stanford: I think men being allowed in the Ladies’ bathroom is surprisingly wild.
Me: Toward the end of her life my mom was confined to a wheelchair.
Stanford: Toward the end of her life my mom was a person who used a wheelchair.
Me: People who compulsively wash their hands 20 times a day are OCD.
Stanford: Persons who compulsively wash their hands 20 times a day are detail-oriented.
Culturally Appropriative
Stanford Explanation: Culturally appropriative language misuses terms that hold meaning to a particular culture in a way that often lacks respect or appreciation.
Me: She looked at the child facing cancer surgery and said “You’re so brave!”
Stanford: She looked at the child facing cancer surgery and said “You’re so ????”
Me: (regarding the killing of Osama bin Laden) The SEAL Team 6 commander breathlessly radioed in, "For God and country -- Geronimo, Geronimo, Geronimo,"1 thus confirming the death of the Al Quida leader.
Stanford: The SEAL Team 6 commander breathlessly radioed in, "For God and country -- ‘Ding, Dong the witch is dead,’" ….
Gender-based Language
Stanford Explanation: Gender-based language includes a range of words and phrases that are not helpful, and, in many cases, are exclusionary.
Note: Most of the terms under Gender are accepted modifications (i.e. mail carrier v. mailman). However, the current pronoun war is singularly maddening since it lays waste to universal usage and grammar rules.
Me: She slipped on her evening dress, knowing she might see him at the party.
Stanford: They slipped on their evening dress, knowing they might see them at the party.
Insane. Sorry … surprisingly wild.
Imprecise Language
Stanford Explanation: Imprecise language is terms that utilize euphemisms, vagueness or inaccurate words to not say what one is trying to say.
A lot of great songs need to be retitled …
Me: “American Pie” (Don McLean)
Stanford: “U.S. Citizen Pie”
Me: “American Girl” (Tom Petty)
Stanford: “U.S. Citizen Girl”
Me: “American Woman” (The Guess Who)
Stanford: “U.S. Citizen Woman”
“Citizen woman … stay away from me!” ((fart noise))
We won’t even start with movie titles.
Me: Steve is a cancer survivor.
Stanford: Steve is a person who experienced cancer but is still alive.
Me: He’s an escaped convict!
Stanford: He’s a person who was incarcerated who is no longer incarcerated!
Me: “Meet my friend Karen.”
Stanford: “Meet my friend the entitled white woman.”
And finally …
Me: Stanford’s IT language policy is dumb, insane and tone-deaf.
Stanford: Our IT language policy is non-verbal, wild and unenlightened.
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Jim Geschke was inducted into the prestigious Marquis Who’s Who Registry in 2021.
Geronimo was the mission’s code name for bin Laden.
It is positively Orwellian. No other way to better describe it. These people must be opposed and defeated in the arena of ideas.