"The Dating Game" (Senior Edition)

Most people think online dating sucks. Even moreso for older singles. But what's the alternative?

Apr 26, 2023

If you ask 100 singles – all Gen AARPs like me – about online dating, the consensus would be …

“I’d rather not.”

There are lots of reasons why. For one, it is painfully awkward — how do you reach out and impress a woman with a witty “hello” text and not come off as a cretin? It’s frustrating. You send smiles, but nobody responds. If they do, it’s often with a brief peek-a-boo “Hello” … then turns into white noise. It’s like working for SETI, or fishing in a swimming pool.

Sometimes it’s risky, especially for women who may face harassment from online scammers and sleazeballs. For a majority of men searching in earnest, it is a walk down Desolation Road. (more on that below)

So why pay $40, $50, or $60 a month to endure digital waterboarding? Aren’t we a little old for that?

Here again, there’s a consensus …

“What’s the alternative?”

OK, What is the Alternative?

Is the simple “boy meets girl” story a curio from the past? Where do GenXers and Boomers go to find traditional romance?

In times past, 30 percent of couples met at the workplace. Today, discovering amour at the office is akin to finding Gucci at The Dollar Store. OK, maybe it’s a possibility, but only if you don’t work remotely and have no issues with HR.

How about social gatherings (i.e. bars, parties, church)? Very slim. With advanced age comes the comfort of familiarity — older people prefer to be around older people they already know.

Besides, it’s 10 o’clock.

So …

It’s 2023. We’re wholly dependent on technology. Social interaction now runs largely through satellites and servers. COVID lockdowns screwed up a lot of lives, but interpersonal connections began a downward spiral long before that.

Nevertheless, many older people who are still in the game turn grudgingly to online dating. Dating apps like Hinge, Bumble and Match** leverage technology to cast a massive net over the mating market. Where else can you instantly and anonymously reach hundreds of potential partners by casually swiping left and right?

It’s easy, it’s right at your fingertips, and you can do it in the bathrobe.

(** Tinder doesn’t count unless Nana and Poppa are feeling particularly randy.)

Dating Apps: Preferences

People of different age groups seek different traits in a potential mate.

Younger people are still building socio-economic status. Their preferences fluctuate, though research shows young women prefer – among other things – a slightly older mate, higher income potential and six-pack abs. Young men are mostly looking for hotness.

Older Americans are already established and single for one reason or another (divorced, widowed, or never married). Most don’t necessarily need a partner but want one for compatibility, companionship and support.

The Market

Empirical data reveal a clear picture of the online dating market, and it isn’t pretty for men. Especially older men.

Survey after survey identifies a wide gender imbalance. Depending on the app, men outnumber women from 2:1 to 3:1. Women have a far greater number of possible dating options.

Online, The Dating Game is dictated by women.

For men, it’s a lottery.

The Dating Game: 100 Women (55+)

What do women want?

Fact: All women on dating apps swipe left (bypass) 97 out of 100 men.

Why? Why are women so selective on dating apps?

Because they can.

Personal preferences, life status and economic stability all play into women’s choices. In general, older women are established, stable and well-educated.

Moreover, they develop a wider support structure than men of similar age. They surround themselves with female friends and family for social and emotional security. They’ve experienced relationships, good and bad. They have been there and done that. So they choose to be choosy.

Attractiveness Matters

Looks matter. A lot.

Female standards — even older women — start with physical attraction. And it is a lofty standard.

According to an OKCupid study, women view 80 percent of all men as ‘below average’ or wholly unattractive. (Yes, it’s OK to do a double-take).

So a vast majority of men – 80 out of 100 – never leave the starting gate. Especially if they have ZZ Top beards, reversed baseball hats (bald), a Budweiser gut, or took a selfie in a dirty bathroom.

As for the others, he may be a nice guy, loves his mother and adores puppies. But … he ain’t David Beckham. (swipe left)

Women’s standards narrow from there. The 20 survivors are further assessed on their “mating market value” — wealth, status, and resources — before final swiping.

The “High-Value Man” — Chad or Jeremy

Compare two men – let’s call them Chad and Jeremy – who represent the 20 dudes who haven’t been kicked off the island.

Both are divorced. Both are fit and well-groomed. Each is at least 6-foot-tall with hair (a big plus).

Chad is 55, a CEO/executive. He’s tanned, well-traveled, and poses in an Armani blazer in front of his lake house.

Jeremy is a 55-year-old teacher edging toward retirement. He plays a ukelele, says he is looking for a lovely lady and is pictured in khakis on a park bench.

From *Madmen* ... **Chads** John Hamm (L) and John Slattery (swipe right!!)

Who gets swiped left?

Not hard to figure out.

Seventeen Jeremys join the other 80 also-rans, leaving three Chads with a smorgasbord of mating options.

The data bear it out: Women in the dating market are all competing for the Top 3 percent of males — the guys who look good, have class, and kick ass — euphemistically known as the “high-value man.”

There’s a word for this: Hypergamy.

The Dating Game: 100 Men (+55)

Fact: Men initiate contact (swipe right) on 25 percent of all women.

There are a lot more “maybes” for men. It is a numbers game. Throw enough stuff against the wall and hope something sticks. Not a strong dating strategy.

Now it’s true. Looks are the No. 1 for guys. But statistics show men don’t rate 80 percent of women as “unattractive.” Men’s standards are kinder. (Don’t shoot the messenger … that’s what the data say).

In addition, education, income and professional success are less likely to be deal-breakers for men.

That said, the most attractive women receive up to 20 contacts from men every day.

By contrast, men – even Chad – on average receive three or four responses a week.

Women’s Checklist: Looking for a Unicorn

This summary comes from personal experiences and observations. No misinformation, disinformation or malformation. Honest!

The Profile: A staple of all dating apps is the Profile. They list the basics – height, body type, activity level (gym, etc.), drinking habits, religion, etc.

Typically, after the basics are narrative spaces to list personality traits (“About Me”) … and qualities in the mate you seek (“Perfect Match”).

The idea is to make yourself stand out. Ironically, most women (and I assume men) all say the same things. Profiles are eerily identical … almost as if everyone cuts and pastes from each other. Most lack a shred of creativity.

The List

The List: Unscientific, I’ll submit. But this is what I’ve found.

Qualities older women seek in the man of their dreams are listed in order of frequency (out of 100 women):

Honest, trustworthy and compassionate (100%)
Sense of humor – “Make me laugh” (95%)
“Beach/water!!! … Need to have my toes in the sand!” (80%)
Chemistry! (80%)
Confidence (80%)
Physically Fit (80%)
“Must love my dog!!!” (80%)
Financially independent (80%)
Educated (70%)
Doesn’t have to be perfect … but … (50%)

How many men fit all criteria? Do you know the joke about male unicorns?

The Ladies’ List: My Takes

Honest, Trustworthy and Compassionate: Universal .. things everyone everywhere wants.

“Make me laugh”: Humor is a bonding elixir. But the guy better damn well be funny. Or have the charm and wit of Robert Downey, Idris Alba or Ryan Reynolds. Even better if he looks like one of them.

Beach/Water “Toes in the sand!”: “Lake Ladies” … or “Florida Femmes.” This isn’t just a line in the sand for the Lady Boomers. It IS the sand.

Confidence: Easily the most attractive asset a man can possess. His presence … his poise … his “take command” aura … his je ne sais quoi!

Fit, educated, financially independent: All legitimate. What woman wants to take care of some man-child who can’t take care of himself?

Must Love My Dog!: Fido is always proudly displayed by women on dating apps. There are a few cat and horse ladies. However, if you don’t have room for her fur baby, don’t bother.

Conclusion: My Story

My online experience has been a net positive. I’ve been on and off the apps for two years and met many fantastic ladies — smart, personable, talented, beautiful and highly accomplished women.

There is a flip side. One divorcee revealed her ex was living in her basement. Another was drunk (or drugged) and openly hostile. Still another sat with me at a patio table and couldn’t stop watching passers-by. (Yes, one and done).

And there was the very perky lady (twice divorced) who whinged on about all her friends being golddiggers while ordering $20 dirty martinis, then was dismayed when I asked her to split the bill on the fourth date. There was no fifth date.

Though I’ve had a couple of short-lived relationships, I have yet to capture that last romance.

That’s OK. During this time, I have bettered myself in so many other ways. At 67, I have established a strong “telos” (Greek: “purpose”): to maintain premium mental and physical health, to explore my interests and write about them, and to be the best person I can be.

I travel often to visit my family and oldest and dearest friends. I started this Substack space, which now archives 45 written pieces and has a growing audience. I’ve become less judgmental and more open to new ways of thinking. I have made peace with my past so it won’t disturb my present. I no longer needlessly compare myself to others.

Most importantly, I’ve realized no one is in charge of my happiness except me.