Satire (Part 3): Words that need to return in 2022
Parts 1 and 2 focused on words that I'd like to disappear in the next 12 months. However, I present here words I think can bring us back from the brink of insanity.
Previous two installments of this satirical series identified words and phrases I hoped would disappear in 2022. I confess it was done with tongue firmly implanted in cheek. But the underlying thought process was a faint and desperate hope that our rapidly devolving social IQ would somehow reverse itself and sanity would return.
Sadly, that ain’t happening anytime soon. So, with this version I’d like to dust off the following words and phrases from the past I hope will make triumphant returns to our lexicon. Perhaps these gems can place us in a better direction so we can feel groovy again.
Hey, if “grifter” can make a comeback, why not these …
Fink: Can be used as a verb (to snitch) or noun (one who snitches). Synonymous with rat, narc or tattle. Can be combined to make the compound word “ratfink.” Campy? Maybe. Sort of like revisiting the dippy 60s television series Batman with Adam West as the lumpy Caped Crusader. Today’s euphemism is “whistle-blower,” a courageous person who publicly exposes corporate or institutional misconduct. Of course, one man’s whistle-blower is another man’s fink.
Dapper: Perhaps this is another generational anachronism, but it still conjures positive male images of the past … Cary Grant, Clark Gable, Marcello Mastroianni, Yves St. Laurent and, of course, the King of Dap, Sean Connery. Today the list would include David Beckham, Michael B. Jordan (muscle Dapper), George Clooney, Andre 3000, Beck, Tom Brady and Benedict Cumberbatch. Clean, confident, irresistibly masculine … but refined. I mean, can you imagine any of these guys drinking straight out of a milk carton?
Curmudgeon: An ill-tempered old man. Like Dana Carvey’s Grumpy Old Man character on Saturday Night Live in the 90s. This is a word that sounds like its definition. Picture the old guy in a wife-beater with white stubble in a basement apartment screaming at the kids upstairs to “turn it DOWN!”
“Neat!”: Not as in orderly, but as an expression of approval. Like “cool!” But be judicious, otherwise it’ll come off like a Dad Joke. “Swell!” works too, with the right person.
Scram!: Conjures images of the Three Stooges, doesn’t it. I don’t know, there’s just a lot of nostalgia surrounding “Scram!” It is dismissive yet non-threatening. You might even get your point across without hurting somebody’s feelings. Maybe even get a laugh. Think of it this way – Bogart and Cagney could say “Scram!” and still sound cool. Besides, can you imagine Bogart or Cagney telling somebody to “Fuck off!”? (Actually, I could).
Bummer!: Still a classic. For all of you non-Boomers, “Bummer” was an abridged slang phrase for “Bum Trip,” used in the ‘60s when a person suffered a bad reaction after taking LSD. It evolved into an interjection for “that’s unfortunate.” Envision the following exchange …
Reporter: “The CDC reports a spike in new cases.”
Anderson Cooper: “Bummer!”
Fortunately, “The Dude” (Jeff Bridges) brought it back into popular culture 20 years ago in The Big Lebowski. We are forever grateful.
Balderdash, Poppycock, Tomfoolery, Malarkey, Hogwash, Tommyrot, Claptrap, Horse Feathers, Folly: All antiquated synonyms for bullshit. I especially like “folly.” Don’t know why that one ever fell out of favor. The rest are best used in written form. Imagine fellow employees reading your “reply all” response to a dumb email question with “Poppycock!”
Rascal, Blackguard, Ruffian, Lout, Bounder, Cad, Charlatan, Mountebank: All good words for bad guys. And there’s no shortage of bad guys out there. Actually, as an infant my mother often called me a rascal when I misbehaved, which wasn’t often. I saved that for my teens and onward.
Lollygag: An homage to the Skip’s shower room blow-up at minor league players in Bull Durham.
Skip: “You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!”
Coach Larry: “Lollygaggers!”
Skip: “Lollygaggers!”
Leftovers: More words that should be scrubbed from history
Sorry. Can’t help myself. All of the following (and those in Parts 1 and 2) should be eviscerated, cast into the underworld to burn in flames for all eternity.
Transparency: Most often used in politics and least-likely practiced. Is this really a better word than honesty?
“Chill and Netflix”: Modernity’s answer to Jimmy Buffet’s song “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw?”
“Bro” and “Bruh”: Men who try to relate to or be cool in conversation with another man, creating a “Bromance.” Look, if you are over 16 and use either derivation you are a juvenile bonehead.
Facetime: I’m assuming this connotes talking to another person on a device. Let’s be more accurate: video call. Or Zoom.
By the way, remember “Skype,” that shitty software bundled with Windows? Skype was so clunky that it would shutter, skip or drag stream your voice, making you look like Max Headroom? Or worse, Skype would freeze in mid-expression, giving your contorted face the look of week-long constipation.
Note: If you use “Facetime” as a substitute for a normal meeting you should be disemboweled with a wooden cooking spoon.
“For all intents and purposes” (“Intensive purposes?”): Word debris. If you think it, don’t say it. If you write it, delete it. Your declarative sentence will be more lucid and direct without it. The second phrase (in parentheses) is a malapropism of the first.
“Wait! What?” This ubiquitous imperative/question is an inane response – usually on social media – to express astonishment or incredulity. It’s fake … weak … and not funny.
Mandates: Agree or disagree with the reason(s) behind it, a mandate really is a euphemism for coercive government action. Unlegislated or arbitrary law. Mandates often come under the guise of the Utilitarian doctrine (i.e. “the greatest good for the greatest number of people”), practiced in England’s Victorian Era. But the Victorians aren’t around any more.
Virtue Signal: Of all the Kabuki dramas in the Woke Kingdom, this may be the most nauseating. Virtue signaling is a disingenuous show of moral virtue by expressing approval or disgust for certain political ideas or cultural happenings. Celebrities are the most egregious users of this conceit. In other words, they’re claiming the moral high ground, or saying “I’m better than you.”
I have better words for such a person … a preachy, judgmental, self-righteous, sanctimonious prick.
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